Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Letting Go, Acceptance

My MIL is in the anger stage, she lost her husband in October 2008 and is dealing with the anger phase of loss.  I'm dealing with all the things she's angry with, her early childhood, her lack of educational options, her being moved about, her fear  and anger over family members and their credit situation and finally, the anger over her beloved husband's death.  I'd go crazy  if it all weren't so sad.

All I can offer are the same words her husband used in regards to family members, and the fact he loved her and took care of her and the children and always chose to do the best thing in regards to their money, investments, children's welfare, health and education.  He was a very good man and is sorely missed.  He provided a balance to her worry and constant concern and she doesn't have that vent to release with.  And, no she will not go to grief therapy or see someone privately.

Whatever the doctor told her in regards to her and her daughter's health has hit the spot and she has lost weigh and there are no treats in the house.  We will see what happens this Easter weekend.

Ah, springtime

I was sitting outside today, in wonderful weather and got woozy.  Just like my mother, now blooming things can really knock me for a loop.  I don't want to be like this, but it's been crazy with all the things going green.

Tonight, I will be doing chicken fried steaks and mashed potatoes.  Tomorrow I will be at the gym.  I don't care, it's been ages since I have had this splurge and I mean to enjoy it. 

The horrible weather never made it here and will stay away, while we dry out.  Planning to visit with family at the end of the week and I hope that goes well.  Also signed up for Street Prophets and that should be interesting.

Sewing like a seamtress

It's been a joy to get back into sewing and it's been a success.  I did a pair of shorts for me and several blouses for my daughter and I have gotten wonderful fabric and notions, all on sale.  

Just purchased a new pattern and I have four pieces of material to sew up.  L. will come over and let me know what works for what pattern.  

Her cat has been sick and I went to her place to clean and check on him.  He's better and got to go outside and boy, did he enjoy that.  Claws and hissing when I had to put him back inside.  I have the scratches to prove it.

All goes well, and with the rain letting up, car work will be done.  Herb transplants, basil and dill, are all doing well.  Sewing, cooking and cleaning take up most of my time.  That and checking on my fav web sites, like Daily Kos, Perez, and Apartment Therapy.

Keeping good habits

I don't want my blog diary to just be something I grind out,  which some blogs become.  Which is why I don't do recipes or food on my blog, thought that's my training.  I don't review books, even if that's my last career course.  I just think and do me.  So why commit myself to this, writing about my life, concerns, and interests?  Because I need to think about what's going on, my friends work and aren't as available as I am, and with this economy and my political leanings (liberal, progressive dem), my voice comes to this site and I can keep a diary and track how things are going in my life and the world, or at least my world.  

I don't think I am keeping it real as according to Emily Toth, most women use code in their diaries to prevent problems should they be read by family or partners.  Less to explain.  I just want to check in, write regularly, and making some progress with the discipline of writing.  It's like going to the health club, you do this and the results are there for you to see.

I want to write and I want my spring/summer wardrobe to fit, there you go, those are good habits.

Well, it's like waiting for Godot

It will be an interesting event when word gets out about what happened this weekend  and how the rest of the family reacts will be interesting.

I had a great time with my brother and I know why he did what he did, but I doubt anyone else will have the time or patience to figure it out.  

The kids are fine, I'm fine, and Mike's fine, so in the end that's all that matters.

Hope the weather gets on track for spring.  Spent time weeding the garden and will head off to the health club to work out.  

Glam ma indeed

My MIL was and is a true blue grandmother who was there for me and the kids and still is.  My mother, alas, wasn't and the only one who suffered for that was her.  She was honest from the beginning, saying she wouldn't babysit, but did so for other people's children (hello, Janice) going so far as to pick up Janice's daughter from school, but unable to babysit my daughter.  

Worse still, she would promise movie trips and TV hanging together time to my daughter then NOT follow through, leaving me to explain the situation.  Eventually my mother withdrew from the world, and rarely left the house.  Her life, well it was her life.  She stopped living long before she died.  The sad thing is the amount of interaction she had with my children was greater that she had with her other grandchildren!  My kids got more than others, which is really sad.  She did sew for my daughter and come relieve me at the hospital during the surgeries. She came to the birthday parties and always remembered the children on their birthdays and holidays.   But it was as if the light went out and never came back on.  Don't know who or what flipped the switch, but it got flipped and she lost out.   I mourned her absence and still do.  

And she knew it, one day, while the kids were in school and we were at lunch, she said, sheepishly, "well at least your kids have one great set of grandparents," and it broke my heart.  Because, she did the best she could do.

So to all of you with glam mothers and grumppas, give it up.  Give up the frustration, anger, and sadness.  It's like the stages, try to get to acceptance.  You had children because you wanted them, they are yours.  Raise them tall and proud and give them the love you have and know it will be enough.  Missing the moments is a baby's and toddlers life is like missing out on the fountain of youth.  They renew and provide recovery from the toil life takes on you.  They reaffirm the joy of life and laughter and if people pass on that, well stupid is as stupid does.

Maybe it's a good thing

We missed the book sale, the once a year doozy that contains every book you could desire, all under 10 dollars.  With my selves full and my daughter and I exchanging books we haven't read and the library just down the road, maybe that's a good thing.

I have a book of book, purchased for a dollar each from the book exchange before they closed shop.  Mosley, Burke and Grimes, mystery writers all and most of their new and old for a dollar each and I haven't dipped into that box yet.  I have been trolling the thrift center and their shelves are packed with everything from diet to travel and these are current books.  It's just amazing what is out there for pennies to the dollar.  And do not get me started with online and books you can pick up for a penny plus shipping and Barnes and Nobels  with their sale tables.

So, according to my daughter, maybe it's a good thing we missed the sale, our shelves are groaning already.  Do we need more books we haven't read?  More cookbooks to fondle, while we admire the food porn pics?  More authors to discover and pursue?  No, not really.

One, One Wonderful Weekend

Even after the family phone calls that tell us about the worries and woes of people we love, we had a wonderful weekend.

We worked around the house, went to exercise, had wonderful meals, watched great movies and made plans for and got the equipment for our upcoming camping holiday.    Mike washed the cars and I washed and mended our clothing.  

My daughter checked in from her busy weekend and looked so tired, hope she got some rest.  My son is MIA, but I know he's studying for two exams this weekend.

Here's hoping for rain and a smooth week.  When I get back, I'm going to start doing some work for nonprofits.  It's time to put my skills back into play.

Thinking about Lent

Having been raised Catholic and raising the kiddies Catholic, it's always been fish on Friday.

Lately, it's been inexpensive fish on Friday and today will be no different.  It's fish cakes!  Been making some really good cakes and enjoying them too.  Don't know about the hubby, so we will see. 

Been working on the house, and it's ready for the weekend.  Been reading like a demon and thank goodness the library is within walking, biking, or driving distance.  We moved here to be near hospitals, doctors and the library.  Back then those were the priorities.   In another 20 years, they will become the priorities again.  But for now life is good.

Weather is still lovely and balmy, but a cold front will have us in sweaters this Sunday.

Spring, glorious spring

Not even checking email, so I can't get started with things that annoy me.  I have been doing, wait for it, wait for it, is laundry.  Yes, it's a joy to be pressing and sorting through the wonderful spring and summer things I have.  

Several years ago, I came to the realization that, instead of spending a small fortune on clothing I wear for three months, I needed to invest in things I wear almost year around.  I know, it was a duh moment, we all have them, this was one of my best.  I spend good money on good fabric, classic style and clean lines and it works for YEARS.  I have linen pants that are ten years old.  

At the end of the season, I got to the outlets online and score even more.  On top of that I sew, so it's a joy to see these lovely things, carefully selected, maintained, and worn with the joy of good stewardship.  

Had to replace the orange linen big shirt with one from Sundance, the retail outlet/organization formed by Robert Redford.  This may become my next big goto online shopping misadventure.  I can just see the bill now.  Considering I picked up a pair of Brooks Brothers slacks (never worn, tags still on) from Goodwill for my hubby for $3.50, I can swing thru the Sundance outlet page and see what's moving.  I won't mention the brown linen bell bottoms for $4.00 and the $1.39 camisole I snatched at the outlet mall three weeks ago.  

Shopping is a skill, and when I score Perry Ellis for 9 dollars, dress shirts and casual stuff, my husband and son win.  When I find that perfect hoodie online at Target for my daughter and help her mend it and clean it so three years later, people ask her where she got it, we all win.  It's my job to feed and clothe my family and teach them to seek and maintain things, to renew and reuse what is already in our closets and when she says, "halter tops this spring," well there are two already made and more to come.  Thanks to my mom for hiring someone to teach me to sew.  Thanks to thrifty thinking that allows me to comb the racks or consider online things that bring my current wardrobe up to date, and yes I am seeking the perfect yellow blouse, top, something to brighten up this summer.  Wish me luck!

Taking care of business, everyday

We are working on the house, doing some updating in the rooms and I have turned my eyes towards the bathrooms.  We replaced wallpaper and now I want to update the cabinet fronts going with a new color and hardware.

Also up is replacing the heating and  cooling system is also up, but we are having problems with getting people out to give estimates, they want to do it over the phone!!!  30 minutes is just so short a time to get here.  They could write it up and mail or fax it and they won't.  

Family again this weekend and then on to Mardi Gras.  Have a bunch of errands to run and things to do.  But I am keeping up with this and that's good.  Boring, mundane, but constant.    Oh, it's Valentines day, but I already have the card and chocolates!

Brett Farve retires, again

Trust me, it's not easy to say goodbye to a fab job, Sunday adoration, but he's done it.  Goodbye.

Hubby tried to retire, went back to school and was so unhappy, I requested he consider going back to work.  He did and we are alot happier.  I know I am.  We can plan and implement projects without so much pain.  You can plan for retirement, but time management is a different animal.  Because he was in school and I was working we couldn't travel.  The there was the school projects and then grad school wouldn't transfer his hours, so it would be years before he got his masters and it was "I am going back to work" and "hurrah" for me.

After all this, I am very grateful for the education we have, but really makes me question going further.  Especially when the educational system makes it so tough.  People who are considering returning to school for a career switch should be very careful, after two years, you could be deeper in debt and unhappy.  Tread carefully.

Family in town and family gone back home

It was a great weekend, we celebrated birthdays and had a lovely time together.  Mom in law is back at her home and now I have other family members in town and we will hook up this weekend.  And soon Mardi Gras arrives.

I have been trying to get to this blog and write daily so it becomes a habit.  This being important for me, because writing has always been a pleasure and I have gotten out of the habit.  I have gotten out of many good habits and all it takes is a change of attitude, an effort made to recognize that certain things, writing, reading, exercise, and diet are important and do deserve attention and time given to them.

Keeping it lowkey and private is working out, because unless I share this info, no one family wise will even know about this blog.  They just won't go looking for it.  It's hiding in plain sight.

Fab weekend, kid turns 30

I have no idea about the rest of the U.S. but the weather here has been amazing.  The rails to trails ride we took Saturday was great and the meal at the brewpub was amazingly good.  Came home, did laundry and cleaned house.  We had to get ready to celebrate my kid's birthday.

We did bbq and chocolate fondue for dessert and life is good.  Family has been behaving extremely well and it makes the day go so smoothly.

It's a busy week next week and I look forward to enjoying the weather and getting out more on the bike, riding to the farmer's market and library.  It's true, the simple things are the best, of and by the way the bottle Presto Rose Brut did put a nice pink glow to the meal.  Life is good.

CNN, life and national prayer breakfast

The hubby and I were enjoying the morning oatmeal and watching CNN when we get to the National Prayer breakfast and receive the short history lesson on how and why it came into being.  Enjoyed the Obama speech, history lesson and all.  Had to get online to check out the Palin/Judd smackdown and wondered why to lower 48 would even consider anything done by helicopter as fair play against wolves and other predators.  Hunting, done on the ground, without bait and with skill is honorable and if you clean, dress and consume what you catch, no problem.  As far as moose and caribou being staples on tables in Alaska, well I've been there and I don't think so.  On the coast, it's  fish, salmon and halibut, crab and other goodies.  Smoked and canned, cleaned and frozen, it provides alot of protein for the table.  Now inland, it may be moose, but it takes time and money to get to, track and kill.  Hunting as a hobby is expensive.  

The dog slept with us last night, on his blanket and he seems less wound up today.  This is good as my dog has always been weird and has in old age, gotten even quirkier.  Calm is nice for everyone.

With the unemployment news, memories of trying to obtain unemployment benefits come back.  Today, I will say a prayer for everyone applying that they have more success that I did.  At least, it's online now and you don't have to deal with the office staff.  Any way, good luck to all who apply and success to you during your job search.  Here, in our home, it's keep the head down and keep it between the ditches.  The toughest thing is attempting to educate our children about what is coming and how to deal with it.

My hubby's a saint

Had time today to truly consider everything that has happened to us over the holidays and to consider behavior I have witnessed since M's dad's death.  I had an "aha" moment regarding some of his brother's behavior and it wasn't a bad thing, just a sad thing.  D. was much more human and less defensive at the memorial event and after than he had been at Thanksgiving.  Time is making things easier for him (and us) and the less people around the nicer he and L. are.  So will his mom quit inviting the whole kit and carload over to her home for the holidays--NO.  But it will help to remember his brother and his wife can be pleasant when they wish and to remind myself, it may not be us the puts them on edge but the others may do it.  I wonder if he has said unpleasant things about us to them and feels it must put up a front and be rude to underscore what he's said.  No, now I am overthinking things.  

Speaking of over thinking things, I have way too much time on my hands now that I am at home.  I can see where some of his mom's issues come from, time on you hands has you focused on really strange things, like your kids, their future, your weight, what you eat, your husband and his feet(he didn't limp today) and other details to boring to relate here.  But if my goal is to write and write daily, this is a start.  The fact the few of the people mentioned here would even check for a blog and see this here is funny to consider.   No one I know has gmail and figuring out regular email is a challenge for some of my family, so we will see.

Off to the store, I need (there's that word again!) dairy products and dog food.

LaRin